Reality check

Okay, so it's been a rough week. A rough week I created though. It's not like anything bad happened or that...it's been busy, but not bad. I have been struggling big time with the eating, but I have been logging 98% of what I have been eating. However, I haven't gained weight this week...I haven't lost either. SO I am still sitting at a 3 pound loss. I haven't worked out and that was getting to me. I just didn't care. I feel frustrated with myself over not doing much this week. I mean, essentially that is 4 missed work outs :( That's muscle that could have been building and fat that could have been lost. Today I turned it around...I woke up and I ate a cookie. I thought to myself, is this the way to start out the day? HECK NO! So...I counted that for my breakfast and got started on purging the house for a yard sale tomorrow. I was all cranky over Adam's work schedule and my friend Jessica said "Work out, it will make you feel better". So...I thought why not? It can't hurt right? Today I decided to wear my HRM to just see how many calories I was burning. I haven't been wearing it lately because it's sometimes super annoying. Well...Today I did and man I felt like a bad ass after my workout. I did a hour long strength and cardio DVD and then did 2 miles on a Leslie Sansone DVD. Drum roll please...642 calories smashed! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!

So, now feeling refreshed and motivated (and I won't be annoyed that if I stuck with the eating this week, I could be 2 lbs lighter) I have decided to set mini goals for myself for the summer. I feel like not seeing some people for awhile gives me a chance to work hard and look better the next time I see them. So for example, my friend Kelly left today. I won't see her until early July when I come back from NJ. I plan to be comfortably in my size 12's when I see her.
Here are my mini goals...
I have 13 days until NJ. Last time I saw everyone I was not working out and at my absolute heaviest because of taking the Paxil. I gained 18 lbs on it and went off it while I was in NJ. So, my goal is to work out hard and keep logging calories so I can maybe have 5 lbs off and just look a little healthier by the time I get there. We are driving, so I am also going to buy tons of pre packaged fruit, granola bars, string cheese and the like for the car. Normally, I buy tons of junk. So this will hopefully work out well!
Once I get to NJ, it will be about 20 days until Adam comes up for our vacation. I can make a lot happen in 20 days :) So my goal is to go to Cooper River 5 days a week up there, my sister will be at my moms and hopefully she can watch the kids for me to go up there for an hour or so. It's a 4 mile walk around the river, so I would love to just keep running it until I can run at least 2 miles around without stopping. I am bringing a few weight DVDs so on the days I am bored with nothing to do, I can work out. I am also hoping to calorie count while I am there, so when I see Adam, he is shocked with the changes in me. I would LOVE if I could pick him up from the airport in a cute outfit that is currently a little snug. I have about 4 pairs of cute shorts that are all a little bit too tight. If I could wear one of those to the air port, I will be happy!
Once Adam gets there, we have our family vacation. I plan on bringing a lot of fruit and easy but healthy things along. We are going to the shore with his mom and will be at the camp ground. If we can, I plan on trying to run a few days the week we are down there.
Then we come home and hopefully, I have lost weight at the end of all of this and not gained anything. I always gain 5 lbs when I am home. I am hoping to come home 5 lbs lighter all together.
I then look to later in the summer when we hopefully see our friends in NC. Hopefully I can lose a little weight by then as well. My biggest goal is to have lost 13 lbs total by my 31st birthday. I have a thing with numbers lol. So essentially, I have 10 lbs to go at this point by August 13th. I can totally do this!

I didn't completely blow it

This weekend was Emily's birthday party. I did not completely blow it...but I did have soda, which led to junk food. I did not accurately track, but I did track some. Saturday evening we had Chinese food and I literally measured out everything and went for a run after I ate it. So, instead of deciding I was going to just completely fall off the wagon, its back at it! I am dying to get my work out in tonight!

Getting there

Something is clicking, something is making sense for me. Last night I threw out the peanut butter frosting so I couldn't eat it all. Today, I went out and ran errands and I did not get a soda...even though my friend did. Normally when I go to Dollar Tree, I grab a soda and a small thing of candy. Not today! I drank my water. Then Emily wanted mac and cheese for lunch. I am a 5 year old and I love mac and cheese. I let myself had one small taste (less than a tablespoon) and then I fed the dog all of the extras. I am getting there slowly but surely! YEAH! Now to get thru all the baking I have to do, Emily's birthday celebrations and get work outs in. I can do it. Even if I just do my 20 minute work outs, I am going to get them in!

I got this

Yes, I know, two posts a day for the past two days....BUT....I added my fitness pal to my phone again and started tracking calories. I actually feel better knowing the number that I am eating. I didn't have guilt tonight when I had a slice of pizza at Sam's with the kids or shared a diet coke with Adam. This is normal life, and I need to handle these challenges! I am sitting here looking at cheez its, doritos and cheetos. Some of my favorite JUNK. However, there isn't the urge to eat it all. I know I can put it aside and wait for Emily's party, then I can have SOME of it. I know this is only day two, but I feel so empowered and feel like I have a hold on things. Tomorrow, I have to bake...that makes me nervous. And Thursday is Emily's birthday and then Friday is a baking day. Saturday is party prep and Sunday is her party. So...I need to make it thru these next few days with a few work outs and just tracking calories. Even if that means I go over my calories a little bit. I can do this!

Clarity

Today I woke up and realized I just want to be in control. I am going to do this! I am just going to keep doing it. Regardless of me eating when I am stressed, bored, sad, whatever...I have the control to stop myself. I just never chose to do so. I am semi counting calories, semi portion control and mostly just trying to tell myself to only eat when I am really hungry and eat every few hours to avoid being over hungry and over eating.
This is my favorite quote of the day...

A good day

Today was a good day. I stuck to my eating plan and managed a work out. I felt good about that. I did have a stressful day with the kiddos, which led to a migraine. So I took a muscle relaxer and then ended up falling asleep early. So now I am going to bed early and on time!

It has been awhile...and yeah, see how well I stick with things

So, one of the difficult things of being a mama is the whole pregnant thing comes weight gain. On top of that, the anxiety that comes along with being a mama. I had never lost my baby weight from AJ and went on anxiety medicine to help me with some issues I was having. In turn, I gained a whopping 20 pounds. So I went off the medicine. I think I am FINALLY to good place mentally and I am ready to lose this weight. I have set the goal at 40 pounds but I am going to work on small goals first. So 5 pounds by the end of May.

So today is day one of getting my life back! I have been doing okay with working out. I have been working out about 4 days a week minus the week I was sick, so I going to get it back together. I am committing to this and there is no turning back. A few weeks ago, I thought I was ready, but now I am realizing just how sad I am. I am always sad over my weight, and eating crappy isn't going to fix it. Every day I think about it, every day I battle the negative thoughts. I went to a birthday party yesterday with Emmy and all I could do was compare myself to the other moms. And listening to them talk "Oh pop is my weakness, chips are mine...oh man I could eat sweets all day". Yet, all of these women are in shape...obviously the difference between them and myself...They have self control and I have zero! So, it kind of comes to a point where I need to be an adult about these things. I cannot eat like this forever. So I am going to fix this. I have done it before.

I am going to do better things for myself, drinking more water, eating less, working out more. I am going to keep better control of my life. I am going to keep the house in check so I don't get behind and get frustrated with the mess. I am going to keep better track of the business side of things with the baking, I am going to just do awesome and today it starts!